Every now and then, some of my non-Kikuyu buddies pull me aside with that “I’m-about-to-make-a-mistake-help-me” look in their eyes.
“Good uncle, what are the do’s and don’ts of this whole ‘ruracio’ business?” they ask, like they are afraid of venturing to Kikuyu land.
This is when I reach for my shiny bakora, prop myself onto my njung’wa (traditional stool), and start dropping cultural gems like the junior elder I am.
Here we go:
1.Never ever carry meat for your in-laws. This tough edict was issued by Gikuyu himself just before he died in 1250 B.C.
2.Dont pay dowry all at once in cheque. Dowry payment is a process, not an event.
3.During negotiations, when our people tell you “our girl went all the way to O-levels in Kahuhia Girls in her studies” don’t answer that your boy has a PhD in Actuarial Science. It’s not a contest.
4.When some of her aunties tell you that your wife to be broke her mother’s mwiko at age ten, don’t ask for an exhibit. This is not a courtroom.
5.If you are going to Murang’a- avoid those tiny cars held together with chewing gum and which can be started with AAA batteries like a remote. Get a sturdy 4× 4.
6.Do not hire a chopper to impress his dad who drives a 1978 Chevrolet pickup. His buildings in Sheikh Karume Road in the city might be worth 3 such choppers. Kikuyu life is about understatements.
7.You’ll encounter her bothersome aunties. Befriend them by squeezing some crumpled notes into their lesos. They will repay you in kind when you quarrel with her and she runs home.
8.Silent matriarch: Most Kikuyu homes are run by matronly women who call the shots with their soft power. Identify such and regularly send her a roll of kitenge via 4NT matatus when you go back to the city.
9.Ostentatious whiskeys: Dont bring the girls father a 30-year-old matured single malt whiskey mzinga valued at 45k.Our tastes buds aren’t that refined. Good ol’ Whitecap is enough.
10.Never ever sleep at your in-laws. The mganga to undo the curse that you will get from doing this hasn’t been born.
11.Dont sneer at our warus, minji and riparian dishes. They brought up your wife to be, one Nobel prize winner and three former Presidents.
12.Fish: Our River Mathioya, Chania and Sagana are full of mud fish, but our boys don’t know how to fish.Do don’t ask for ‘ fis’ to go down with ‘ kuon’.Dont come with them either- refer to rule no. 1.
13.Dont visit your in-laws every time you are passing by- it’s considered unethical. But that doesn’t mean you neglect them. Mpesa them often.
14.Language-Most rural Kikuyu assume everybody speaks Kikuyu. Learn a few Kikuyu words. If you have to spice your talk with Luopean English, avoid pompous words like ‘preposterous” or “agglutinative”.
15.Gichiri– after you eat the collar bone part of a mbuzi, its obligatory that you pierce the bone through, or be fined a goat by the elders. Befriend a trusted uncle from that family to tell you such tribal tidbits- at the price of a few Balozis.
All the best muthoniwa.
