Yesterday, cyberspace went supernova when Samidoh- the fastest rising Kikuyu benga star- melodramatically apologized for having a baby out of wedlock.

I am not here to moralize whether what Samidoh did was right or wrong.That’s for clergymen which I am not. But what he did has precedence since all famous men attract women like beacons. Back in the day, a famous national figure whom we cant mention got a child out of wedlock.This is how it happened.

The lady of the house had sourced a house girl from the village to help her with housework.Young innocent thing with ‘miceege‘ on her crumpled calico dress. After feasting on Cerelac and Blue Band and kujipondoa with Cleartone, the diamond in the rough blossomed. She soon turned into a nubile lady with tumescent mangoes bobbing up and down in her silk blouse, seeking to be picked.

When the man of the house-who was well into his seventies-saw the mangoes, his gnarled fingers straightened.Other anatomical features in him straightened too and- twitched- spasmodically- after a long slumber.Some primordial soups started hissing in his loins, seeking to escape.

Kidogo kidogo,the young lady started craving nyamuiru sugarcanes- a clear indicator that she was in the family way.The lady of the house, in her wisdom, nurtured her until she delivered a baby boy.Which she noticed was a spitting image of her boys.

After adding one and one, she rightly deduced that the old lion in the house was the father of the baby.She called a few of mzee’s peers( am I giving out who I am talking about?) and sent them to ask him why he did so.

One fine morning, the old boys gathered in mzee’s compound to castigate him for his randy actions.One of them, while balancing a horn of muratina on his hand, asked mzee to explain what happened.

“Kairîtu kau karahutirie nderu cia gukawe karathecwo nîcio”, mzee answered, unpurturbed.(The young girl played with his grandpa’s beard- and got stung in the process.)The whole drunken company broke into bawdy mirth. Case finished.

The lady of the house waited for feedback on what transpired but none came. Later, she took the girl far away, hived some acres for her from their expansive family land, and built her a house.

Finally, she warned her never to mention who the kid’s dad was- not even in her dreams.

Newer A TETE A TETE WITH MR.DEATH
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Older DISGUISE YOURSELFIf schools had not been disrupted by Covid 19, this would have been the last week of schooling for kids.To that end, I have been reliving some of my high school memories. During school holidays, my classmate Phares Wainana and I would visit each other homes without notice.It was mutually beneficial- I would enjoy picking tea at his Kiawambogo home and he would enjoy picking coffee in our Iyego home. Another thing between him and I is that we had this uncanny resemblance.One weekend I went to visit Wainana at Kiawambogo.I was debonair lad clad in Tokyo trousers and Azzaro shirt.To cut a macho image, I lit one of the two Embassy Kings sticks that I had bought at Kangema town.Then I trekked to my friend’s home blowing smoke rings into the clouds like a badass cowboy.Unluckily,one mzee who happened to be Wainaina’s dad’s friend saw me and confused me for Wainana.When his dad come around, he reported to him that he saw his son smoking.In the evening, Wainana’s dad called the two of us and gave him a thorough tongue lashing.Telling him that he should be well behaved like me.I sat there, my head bowed like a sheep’s, knowing that my friend was being punished for my sins.After the family slept, we crept into the chilly night and shared our last ciggy under a pear tree in the homestead.’Boy,next time when you sin, always disguise yourself.’Wainaina told me as we went back to his ‘cube’ for the night.Later, in retrospect, I realized that Wainaina’s advice went beyond that particular episode.Sadly, Phares Wainaina left us in 2008 in a road crash near Thika.

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