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KIKUYU MIDDLE CLASS WOMEN:HARRIERS,WEAVES AND ‘SHAOS’

The Daughters of Mumbi are a curious breed. Once they reach middle-class status, they mellow out and start saying things like, “You know, my husband loves mburokori with kamukimo.” Now, who in their right mind pairs broccoli with mukimo? That’s a culinary crime, right there.

Here are a few more quirks of Kikuyu middle-class women:

1. Pricey Weaves

These ladies can spend hours debating who’s got the most expensive weave, which is basically like arguing who owns the fanciest dead horse—since, you know, weaves are made from those.

2. The Harrier Obsession 

If it’s black or white, they want it. Their love for Harriers has earned them the nickname “Auntie wa Harrier.” This SUV doubles as a pickup, a gossip center for seven women, and is fancy enough to ferry a bride and groom to a wedding. They drive it barefoot but switch to gumboots the moment they get stuck in Kanyenya-ini, Murang’a, or Kiamutugu, Kirinyaga.

3. Church Swagger 

   Most are church regulars, taking the roles of Women’s Guild or Mothers’ Union “sharelady.” The old-money mamas prefer Queen Elizabeth-style skirt suits, in colonial-era colours. The younger ones are more into church because they’re praying for their husbands, who are probably somewhere chasing deals and a mpango wa kando from Kangundo.

4. Subtle Boasting

   Their bragging skills are top-tier. A lady might casually say, “Ati my hubby wants to buy us another plot. I dunno where all these plots will take him, but it’s okay.” Now, if that’s not humble bragging, I don’t know what is.

5. Accents

   No matter how many business trips to Turkey they’ve made, pronouncing “broccoli” still remains a huge battle. It’s always “mburokori.”

6. Rural Roots Run Deep 

   While other middle-class folks are addicted to pizza or KFC chicken, Kikuyu women stay loyal to their roots. Kirinyaga women swear by aromatic Mwea pishori rice. Murang’a women will only drink tea from Mununga Tea Factory. And Kiambu ladies? They’ll convince you Thika pineapples are the ultimate cure for arthritis.

7. Kabambe Mystery 

   They might flaunt that massive smartphone they bought in Dubai for their 45th birthday, but when out of sight, they revert to their trusty kabambe. Somehow, the kabambe always manages to disappear into their ‘Gushi’ bags.

8. Shaos the Guy 

   The single ones have this tall, brown chap named Shaos (or something like that), who chauffeurs them from the airport to Naivasha. And yes, Shaos knows how to, let’s just say, “press the boil until they belch.” If you’ve been listening to Samidoh’s raunchy numbers, you get the drift.

9. Chamas & Gossip Sessions

   Every Wednesday, it’s off to the chama, where they contribute 5k and engage in some high octane gossip. The discussions are in fluent Kikuyu, led by Mama Washiro, the matronly “sharelady” with a year-old weave, several plots, and a battered 1988 Toyota G-Touring Wagon.

10. Kikuyu-English Mashup

    As they ascend the social ladder, their Gikuyu gets a sophisticated twist. “Aca” (no) becomes “aashar,” “Cucu” (granny) turns into “Shooshor,” and every sentence starts with, “Ta imagine…”

11. Headgear Drama 

    Oversized hats shield their faces from the “harsh African sun.” After all, they went to Dubai and now need sunscreen 24/7. When not in hats, they rock that bob hairstyle.

12. Shiny Foreheads & Shades 

    Funerals in shags? Big shades perched on their shiny foreheads are a must. Then they hit up nyama choma joints in Kenol and reminisce about their days at Kahuhia Girls, Kabare Girls, or Kangubiri, all while washing down the memories with a few Guaranas.

And just when things seem calm, the one-man guitarist Kamande strikes up a cheeky tune with lyrics borrowed from Kamaru evergreen songs: “Which farm do you want me to till, my dear?”

The ladies hop up, form a train, and chant in response: 

“The farms are two, dear, 

Till the upper one, dear, 

For the lower one, dear, 

Belongs to the goat owner (husband).”

The mugithi party wraps up abruptly at midnight when Baba watoto calls, checking if the chickens were fed and if the gate was locked. Ah, middle-class life.

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