IF JESUS CAME TO KENYA TODAY,HE WOULD CRACK WHIPS

The founders of most religions were born rebels. Buddha, Jesus, and Muhammad—all cut from the same revolutionary cloth—challenged corrupt systems, shook up traditions, and called out societal rot. Among the three, Jesus fascinates me most.

If he landed in Kenya today, I bet he’d promptly land in trouble in with the ‘gava’ for he can’t stand some of the ‘upuzi’ currently going on.

One morning, Jesus strolls to a level Five Hospital and find patients groaning in pain, unattended because SHIF is not working. What does Jesus do? He takes out a ‘nyahunyo’ and whips the medical superintendent for letting Kenyans suffer.

The following Sunday, Jesus hears loudspeakers blaring from a church nearby. He pokes his head in, only to find the congregation hosting a fundraiser to buy their pastor a Prado. Jesus whips the kondoo and shepherd alike, yelling, “You’ve turned my Father’s house into a den of endless harambees.”

Then one fine afternoon, he pops by Uhuru Park for some chill time and selfies. A crowd gathers, eager for a sermon. “Blessed are the boda boda guys and mama mbogas, for they—” BOOM! Tear gas! The crowd scatters, leaving a teary Jesus muttering something about the persecuted inheriting the kingdom of heaven.

But Jesus is also a cool guy and so one Saturday, he gatecrashes a wedding where he overhears some Gen Z’s lament: “Hii keg haitoshi.” Jesus winks, tells them to fetch drums of water, and voila-he turns water to keg! Some youngsters in dreadlocks ask him if they can light up a rolled spliff. It’s now what goes into your body that defiles you, but what comes out of it, Jesus quips. The bash of the year kicks off, and the hashtag “WaterToKeg’’ trends all week.

Inevitably, Jesus trends in all social media platforms.X, (formerly Twitter) blows up with ‘#JC4Prezzo2027’ and the ‘gava’ takes note. His Tik Tok account has several million followers. A stern-faced government spokesperson declares that this movement is being funded by a foreign foundation to destabilize the nation. Jesus is now a marked man.

One Saturday, he’s walking along Tom Mboya Street, an excited crowd of fans trailing behind. Suddenly, a Land Cruiser full of makarao pulls up. “This demo is illegal.” barks the OCS. Jesus shrugs. “You’ve said it.” He is bundled into a battered Landcruiser and hauled off to Central Police Station. A young cop sneers, “Son of God, si you make the tear gas harmless?” Jesus sighs, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”

And then, one random Tuesday, as he’s walking home from visiting his aunt, Subarus screech to a halt around him. Lanky men in dark suits drag him away and he disappears for days. When he finally reappears, looking haggard, his message is simple: “Fear not the one who kills the body but cannot touch the soul.”