I dunno who opened a Facebook account for Gicheru, our breeder-cum-herbalist in the village. Most likely, it’s one of his grandchildren currently on school holiday.
Anyway, the man who, all his life, has been talking with his goats and oxen using grunts was now posting herbal cures for hangovers, E.D., witchcraft, etc., on Facebook. His profile picture was a blurry selfie with a bearded he-goat named ‘Jomo.’
So every morning, his followers, mostly woke youths on free Wi-Fi and long-suffering wives, woke up to gems like, “Boil three guava leaves in an earthen pot. Then shout your ex’s name as you pour the water away. He will either go mad or develop boils on his bottoms -or both.”
Within a few weeks, Gicheru garnered a sizeable following who hung on to his eclectic wisdom spiced with village grit.
My uncle, not to be outshone by a man he says smells like roots, opened his account. His profile read: Expert on Dowry Negotiation and Other Dangerous Matters. His profile picture was a gleaming machete inscribed with the letter “J.” This doesn’t stand for his baptismal name “John” but for “Justice,” the alias he gave his trusted machete.
Just to show his followers that he is a real expert on dowry matters and the like, one morning he posted this quote: “A man who fears dowry should marry hunger.” That punchy one-liner earned him several hundred followers within weeks.
The next week, Uncle went supernova, dishing out folksy advice to young men trying to balance tech, culture, and family. His column, Ask Uncle, featured questions that came with punchy answers.
“Uncle, my wife is ignoring me,” one recently married chap told him.
“Even my goats ignore me , until I bring salt,” Uncle answered the fellow. Beat that.
Somehow, Gicheru and Uncle met each other in a certain post on Facebook and started arguing. Gicheru said the advice Uncle was dishing to the youth was half-baked and oftentimes misleading.
“So are your herbal remedies,” Uncle retorted. Both were right.
Within a day, their accounts were banned by Zuckerberg. Uncle was flagged for his violent language and choice expletives that could make the devil blush. Gicheru was banned for his “WHO-approved” herbal remedies that could prevent husbands from getting polygamous and such.
Giceeri, the proprietress of Wakulima Bar, called a meeting to restore peace between the old friends. Before the meeting commenced, Giceeri demanded the two had to buy a kilo of tumbukiza each. “True, elders can’t negotiate on an empty stomach,” Uncle averred.
When the meat was ready, Giceeri served it to her sister’s children who had ‘suddenly’ breezed in to say hi to their aunty.Their aunty ate with them as Gicheru and Uncle watched,lips parched.
As Uncle and Gicheru walked home hungry and angry, they agreed that Facebook was more dangerous than witchcraft itself.